YOU HAVE A DUTY TO DISCIPLINE WITH LOVE AND FAIRNESS

AARON HASS

I remember one father who proudly boasted how "responsible" and "Involved" he was in parenting his troublesome son. I treat him fairly. but firmly. I let him know there are ground rules. No TV during the week, one hour on the weekend. I don't allow any back talk. I let him know who's boss… I don't know what his problem is." The limit-setting is fine, but where is the love? I thought.

Yet love is not enough. Children crave guidelines. They will learn how to control themselves from you, and your effectiveness in teaching discipline will greatly determine your child's future success in imposing mechanisms of self –regulation. Will your son be overly critical of himself, unforgiving, unable to fell comfortable with any gratification?  Or will he be excessively self-indulgent of the point of self-destruction? Will he be able to find a middle ground that will provide a balance sense of responsibility and self-satisfaction?

Will your daughter be able to tolerate frustration? will she accept the fact that she cannot always have what her heart desires, or will she feel forever deprived and resentful? Will she concede that others have urgent needs as will, needs that may not coincide with her own but that, nevertheless , must be respected? In other words. will she be able to relate to other in a loving, unselfish manner? Or will she fervently believe she deserves whatever she wants and, there fore, be unable to have a mature relationship

Encourage progress. Encourage effort. Some of the parents of my children's friends promise their sons and daughters amounts of money if they attain certain grades. But when we give our children a reward  for getting A's in school or making the all star team we communicate an unhealthy message. You are as good as what you achieve. And if our children believe an A or the all-star team is beyond their grasp, they will simply give up. Encourage effort. Teach your children that the end product is less important than the process of trying their best.

In order to discipline appropriately and effectively, it is critical that you have realistic expectations. What should you reasonably expect from your ten-year-old daughter as opposed to your three year-old daughter? What should you reasonably expect of your nine year old daughter as opposed to your eight-year-old son? What should you reasonably expect of your child who was born with a "difficult" temperament as opposed to your child who always seems to have a smile on her face?