Fairness Subverted

AARON HASS Ph.D.  

HANDICAPPED PARKING HAS OPENED UP A CAN OF WORMS. I REMEMBER when it was first implemented. I thought, Great. It seemed an idea that sprang from our higher, altruistic self. Let those who are hobbled cone first. It is easier for me to walk farther because I am not burdened by any impediment. Handicapped parking was a fair idea. It was an idea that lifted the impaired so that the playing field would become a level one.

My admiration his given way to anger. I am angry because a noble sentiment that reflects the best in us is being abused. How many times have you and I see a perfectly healthy, able individual emerge from his car parked in that space defined by blue?

But in the second case, you hardly see it that way. Instead, you remind yourself of accumulate woes that caused you to act as you did: I would have been more considerate if I didn't have that flat tire on the way in, if I hadn't discovered this morning that my accountant's bad advice cost me thousands of dollars, if I hadn't been informed an hour ago that my grant application that consumed so much of my efforts last year was rejected. No, you don't see yourself as a some-of-a-bitch. Rather, you see yourself as a basically good person who is having a very bad day. 

Why am I so bother? Why can't I just shrug it is a hurt, frightened, and disappointed plea: Why do you have to remind me of the selfishness that lurks within? Why do you nourish my cynicism?

A high production of defendents in small claims proceedings never pay the judgments ruled against them. However, in a study published in 1984, Craig Mc Ewen and Richard Maiman noted the exceptions. Examining the records of six small claims courts in Maine, the two investigators found that the chances of a defendant paying what the court said he owed were significantly influenced by whether or not he thought he had a fair hearing. This compliance pattern occurred no matter how much the individual was required to pay. People responded to fairness with integrity. 

Fairness and Greed

AARON HASS Ph.D.

FAIRNESS BECOMES A MOVING TARGET WHEN GREED INTERFERES.  WHY do we become greedy? Because we are terrified of not getting enough, of not having enough. Greed is not pretty. We don't aspire to be greedy.

A friend of mine is an investment banker. He puts deals together, finding buyers for sellers. He often begins the process by asking the seller what he wants for his business. After a careful assessment of the assets and liabilities of the company, they arrive at what would be a fair price that the seller could feel good about. Over the years, my friend has recounted numerous tales of a seller being given his price,

closing the deal, and then experiencing remorse. Did I miscalculate? he frets. Did I cave in too early? Could I have gotten more? It is  to lose sight of what is fair when we view the world as an untnrstux _I adversary. or a place here I need to squeeze out as much I can for myself regardless of any other consideration. Fames and Wealth

THE LAST six MONTHS OF BULLETINS FROM BAY LAUREL ELEMENTARY

School have included a request: Because of the potential danger to children (particularly the younger ones), please do not park your car in the circular driveway of the campus when you arrive for pickup; cars must he parked on the street. Six pleas, six monthly reminders. Yet invariably, when I come for my son, Nathan, I see cars in that circular driveway, driven by individuals who received the same six entreaties as I did. Apparently, these drivers believe that the rule should not apply to them as it does to everyone else, Why aren`t these norms and dads bothered by the unfairness of their behavior? I think it has to do with money, I live in a mostly well-to-do neighborhood where people are used to buying whatever convex- niece they desire. Parking on the street \could be a slight income- niece, and these parents are not used to going out of their way. Convenience, therefore, has become expected as an inalienable right. I’m sure that these affluent dads and moms are not even aware of their unfairness, as they pass all those cars parked where they were supposed to be, Feelings of entitlement obscure our sense of fairness.

Fairness and Old Hurts

AARON HASS Ph.D.

IDEALLY, WE ACT FAIRLY EVEN WHEN THERE IS AN ABSENCE OF CON-strains forcing us to (such as a concrete punishment) or the enticing promise of some reward (such as the approval of other). but when we fell deprived, or insecure, or cheated by life, we find it difficult even to discern what is fair. As a result, our tendency is to compensate to those feelings and, in so doing, act unfairly in the moment.

Most of us, as adults, come to relationships with old grievances that get in the way of being rational, acting fairly, and responding to the present person and circumstance.

You ask your spouse to call if he's going to come home late from work so that you don't being to control me. I don't being to imagine him in a fiery care wreck. He reacts angrily, "Don't try to control me. I Don't want to have to report to you!"

You try to make a reasonable case for why you should be able to go out occasionally with your male friends. She tries to sound jocular, but her hurt at your "rejection: is clear: Why would you rather spend time with them me.

You make an unconscionably high demand to settle a lawsuit you brought against your former business partner because you anticipate that he will try to cheat you out of what is rightfully yours.

Having felt abandoned and rejected as a child twenty-five years ago, you become jealous and angry when your friend offers a coveted invitation to a gala dinner to someone else. You vow never to speak to her again.

I go away for the weekend with my family. My patient, who has always felt unloved, leaves me a message on my answering machine: "If you really cared about me, you would be here I need you."

We revokt against unfairness. Several studies have shown that people who have been through a process they regard as fair are more likely to comply with the decision reached by that process than are those who have thought it unfair. Remember when you were a child and felt that your friend was playing unfairly during a game? You abruptly broken off the process, ended your "contract" to play to geather, and stomped off yelling, "I don't play with cheaters!" As adult, we are a little more civil. When we fell that another has cheated, we silently vow never to play with him again.,  

All of these individuals hunger for love and fairness from others. Ironically, and tragically, their hurt cause them to react in such an unfair manner that they guarantee they will not receive what they so desperately need. We don't suffer the unreasonableness of others very well. All of us want to be approached with a clean slate, fairly, and not with the history of disappointments that the other brings.

The Balance of Fairness

AARON HASS Ph.D

In the final turbulent decade of white rule in South Africa, thousands of people were killed in spasms of violence. The commission was authorized by the present south African government to investigate the abuses of the previous administrations, particularly its police and military arms. In the interest of cooling racial tensions and staving off a potential military upheaval, the post apartheid constitution offered immunity from prosecution or vigil lawsuits to those who confessed their deeds, no matter how heinous they might have been. When black protestors were massacred by white police at Sharpeville, and May 10, 1994, when Nelson Mandela was inaugurated as the first post apartheid president.

Black south Africans wanted at least an acknowledgement of the vicious persecution they had suffered. Bishop Desmond Tutu is Chairman of the Truth Commission. In an interview conducted by an American Journalist in 1996, he was asked if he believed that he and the other on the Commission were honoring the promise of justice they had made to the victims of the repressive regimes.

          We crave dignity and we crave a fairness that produced it. James Wilson, in the Moral sense, Describes a game developed by three German economists that illustrates our natural resistance to being treated in a contrary fashion:

          Called Ultimatum, it involves two players. The first is given a sum of money – say, then dollars – that he is to divide in any way he wishes between himself and the second player must accept or reject the offer, knowing that there will be no further offers, and that the two people will never play the game again. If the second player accepts, the two player divide the money in the way the first player proposed If the second player rejects the offer, then neither player gets anything. if both players are wholly self-interested, then the first will offer the second one cent and keep 9.99 for himself, and the second player will accept the offer. After all, the second player has no choice: He either gets something or nothing, and one cent is better than nothing. The first player has no incentive to offer more than one cent, since anything more comes out of his share .

If your experience in player Ultimatum is like that of the German economist who experimented with it, it is extremely unlikely that you will act in a rationally self-interested way. If you are the first player, you will probably propose an equal division of the money or, at worst something like 70-30. If you are the second player, you will probably reject offers that lopsidedly favor the fast player, even though it means you will get nothing. People are willing to forgo money in order to ensure fairness or to punish people who act unfairly- here, the "greedy" first player. 

Strengthening Your Moral Muscle

IT IS MY HOPE THAT THE MORAL PRINCIPLES I HAVE

AARON HASS Ph.D.

Discussed have truly sunk in. One of my goals has been to make you more aware of specific issues such as flattery, bargaining and complaining. But if my book has been successful, you develop a generally more considerate, sensitive, and fair approach toward everyone with whom you come into contact.

The author and former Catholic monk, Thomas, pointed out:" When we are only spooned moral rules or lessons, we either embrace them rigidly or we anxiously rebel or against them. Mature moral judgment requires active involvement in moral analysis and decision-making. Otherwise, we will be unprepared for unanticipated quandaries.

We can sit in armchairs and have theoretical discussion about justice, duty, dignity, and self-control, or we can grapple with problems that occur in the real world. We can mull over the range of possible resolutions to dilemmas, or we can be forced to choose a course of action. This section will offer you an opportunity to strengthen your moral muscle by excising it.

We are often called upon to make moral decisions quickly, under pressure, when we are full of clashing emotions. The more we override feelings and impulses that can lead us astray.

We have all had the experience of having to make a decision with moral implications, but feeling conflicted about it. In other words, conflictions with multiple paths that seemed fair or restorable we were not completely certain about moving in one direction or another. There were many considerations.

How much should my needs count?

What moral principles are at stake here?

With whom do my loyalties life?

Who needs it more?

Who deserves it more?

At what point am I hurting myself by helping her?

Who can least afford to be hurt?

Even if we have clear moral principles, when we get down to particular cases, our clarity can become blurred. We have moral principles and we have real life. Moral values are always affected by circumstances. I should be honest. Except when you have been irreparably disfigured and inquire, Moral values are always affected by circumstances. I SHOULD BE HONEST. I should not steal. Except when you are unreasonably and arbitrarily limiting my access to a drug that might cure my son of a life-threatening illness.

The Man Who Worked at the Ministry of Tourism

AARON HASS Ph.D

It the summer of 1969.  I WAS TWENTY AND, WITH MY BACKPACK slung over my shoulder, boarded a plane of my post college trip abroad. My jobs counselor, water and busboy over the past seven summers financed the adventure. At that time, you really could see Europe on five dollars a day. One of the countries I visited was Israel. While there, I met an Israeli woman. Aliza,and we hit it off. Knowledge I was alone, she invited me to her parents' for a home cooked dinner. The apartment, located in a central neighborhood of Jerusalem, was tidy, small, and a bit cramped. I particularly enjoyed speaking with her father, a soft-spoken, gentle man of about sixty, after discovering that we both had family who had lived just a generation previous in the same town in Poland.

The next evening, I was in Aliza's Tel-Aviv apartment on Hayarkon street, overlooking the Mediterranean. The television set was on. Suddenly, an interview with her father appeared on the news. At the bottom of the screen  was  his name and title, Minister of Tourism. Alizas father was a Cabinet Minister Of cause, she had a great laugh at  the shocked expression on my face. But the incident. My respect for the man, not the Minister, soared.

The Minister was not playing games with me. He was not at tempting to dupe me. He was acknowledgining that his title was unimportant. He simply presented himself during our lengthy conversation, and that was enough. He let his behavior speak for him. I have an acquaintance who seizes any opening to press upon me stories of the rich and famous with whom he has dined or partied since we last spoke. He want to insure that I appreciate his status, as evidenced of, he insist. I am continually amaze at the number of very accomplished individuals I encounter who still fell compelled to name-drop.

Another acquaintance answer my opening gambit of "What's new?" with a recitation of the latest athletic , academic, or creative awards recently bestowed on his children. My children reflect who I am, he implies. Look at how successful we all are, he suggest.

Living out a Script

AARON HASS Ph.D.

ALICE IS A FORTY-ONE-YEAR-OLD MOTHER OF AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD BOY, and an ex-alcoholic. During one of  our sessions, she confessed that she was out of control."When Billy makes a fuss, I find myself just screaming at him……….. something I hit him………..i'm aware that  it's just what my mother did to me, and that I'm just repeating her behavior. I'm aware of it. And I know Billy is going to hate me for it., just like I hate my mother for what she did to me………….. I'm aware of it all, but I just can’t help myself."

All of us live with hurt, anger, and disappointment. unfortunately, those who hurt us are often no longer around, behavior "My father abused me when I was a kid.

At least Alice and Craig recognized past influences upon their present behavior. Many of us, however, have little, self-awareness. At twenty-seven, Roger Kimball had already made his millions as an inventor computer software, As a studious adolescent, Roger had been consider a "nerd" by his classmate. Driven by girls throughout, he high school and collage years. Then he became rich and famous. His attractive quotient soared.

But what struck me, early on in therapy, were much more than men. ("you use them to prove something to yourself, and then you spit them out.") It took a great deal of discussion before Roger could see it. After all, Roger didn't beat women. On the contrary, he was always gentle, sweet, and attentive. Later in therapy, it became apparent that most of Roger's anger toward women stemmed from the fact that his mother had several affairs while he was growing up. His parents would, unfortunately, fight about those betrayals in front of their children.

Know yourself. Look at your patterns of behavior and do not accept superficial explanations for them. Do not excuse your action by referring to old injuries.

It is difficult to feel good about another's new found attractiveness when you are feeling insecure about your own. It is difficult to feel good about another child's achievement when your child is struggling. It is difficult to feel good about another's fabulous mate when you have focused on the disappointments of your own live life. It is difficult to feel good about another's overnight creative and commercial success when you have been toiling in obscurity for decades. It's just not fair, you feel.