Living out a Script

AARON HASS Ph.D.

ALICE IS A FORTY-ONE-YEAR-OLD MOTHER OF AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD BOY, and an ex-alcoholic. During one of  our sessions, she confessed that she was out of control."When Billy makes a fuss, I find myself just screaming at him……….. something I hit him………..i'm aware that  it's just what my mother did to me, and that I'm just repeating her behavior. I'm aware of it. And I know Billy is going to hate me for it., just like I hate my mother for what she did to me………….. I'm aware of it all, but I just can’t help myself."

All of us live with hurt, anger, and disappointment. unfortunately, those who hurt us are often no longer around, behavior "My father abused me when I was a kid.

At least Alice and Craig recognized past influences upon their present behavior. Many of us, however, have little, self-awareness. At twenty-seven, Roger Kimball had already made his millions as an inventor computer software, As a studious adolescent, Roger had been consider a "nerd" by his classmate. Driven by girls throughout, he high school and collage years. Then he became rich and famous. His attractive quotient soared.

But what struck me, early on in therapy, were much more than men. ("you use them to prove something to yourself, and then you spit them out.") It took a great deal of discussion before Roger could see it. After all, Roger didn't beat women. On the contrary, he was always gentle, sweet, and attentive. Later in therapy, it became apparent that most of Roger's anger toward women stemmed from the fact that his mother had several affairs while he was growing up. His parents would, unfortunately, fight about those betrayals in front of their children.

Know yourself. Look at your patterns of behavior and do not accept superficial explanations for them. Do not excuse your action by referring to old injuries.

It is difficult to feel good about another's new found attractiveness when you are feeling insecure about your own. It is difficult to feel good about another child's achievement when your child is struggling. It is difficult to feel good about another's fabulous mate when you have focused on the disappointments of your own live life. It is difficult to feel good about another's overnight creative and commercial success when you have been toiling in obscurity for decades. It's just not fair, you feel.